Being ill mostly means that I smell like stale vomit and olbas oil, my hair looks like I’ve been having wild sex when unfortunately I haven’t, and the amount of tissues in my bed, will probably amount to more than those in the bed of a horny teenage boy, but it’s not all bad.
Here’s my list of the 10 best things that colds and flu will bring to your daily life:
- You don’t eat anything – I’ve never even contemplated an eating disorder in my lifelong plight to look like a supermodel, but I spent Tuesday night vomiting and haven’t eaten since so in my mind I’m practically Kate Moss.
- You don’t have to wear any make up – The great thing about fevers is that they give your face a healthy gloss of sweat and if you’re really lucky, you might get puffy eyes and swollen glands to accentuate your features too – who needs MAC when you’ve got Flu?
- You can dispel myths and common misconceptions on your mission to good health – I hate to break it to you guys but the ‘C’ in Vitamin C stands for ‘CRAP’. Drinking orange juice will not help you, so you may as well stick to drinking Vodka because as well as being a tasty and nourishing refreshment, it also numbs the bitterness of singledom. You will also discover that sneezing with your eyes open does not make your eyeballs fall out.
- You don’t have to leave your house – This means that you won’t go into all of your local 98p stores (which by the way do not actually sell ANYTHING that costs 98p) and waste your money on home-ware that you won’t use (when the hell am I EVER gonna need a gravy boat tbh?)
- You don’t have to wear a bra – This is one of my favourite things about being ill because frankly I like my wangers to be free.
- You don’t have to wear any clothes – Because in all honesty, why stop at the bra?
- You get to watch back to back films with the ‘Jennifers’ in them – The only time it’s acceptable to enjoy Jennifer Lopez acting like a poor NYC Latina AGAIN and Jennifer Aniston just being Rachel from Friends in a different setting AGAIN, is when you’re ill. (Unless you’re me because I love that shit even when I don’t have a fever above 40 degrees)
- You don’t have to do any work or go to the office – Instead you can spend your days feeling sorry for yourself…bliss.
- You get to take loads of medication aka “legal drugs” – and if you’re lucky you might even trip out for a bit.
- Finally you can order everyone around you about – Perhaps the best thing of all. Being fussed over and having someone deliver everything you demand to your bed, without the obligation of giving them a blow job in return is relieving.
So there you have it folks. Next time you can feel a fever coming on, just think of these 10 things and be thankful it’s just a fever and not something worse like that thing where you bang your head and all of a sudden you’re talking in a Chinese accent.