THE FREAKY A-Z OF MODERN LIFE: CONSPIRACY

WP_Post Object ( [ID] => 43353 [post_author] => 11 [post_date] => 2013-05-25 18:47:55 [post_date_gmt] => 2013-05-25 18:47:55 [post_content] => I’m not buying current life.

Shits been going down. Fully-grown members of the public are reverting to modern day cavemen. Citizen journalist throwing their weight all over town with pixelated videos and tweets with grammatical errors. Ain’t no Mulberry bag gonna save your ass now.

Imagine how good the world would be without news. I don’t read the Metro in the morning because it makes my blood boil. That plus a double shoot latte? Not keen on playing with fire. But why does it even exist? To make you throw shade at the world? I’m not sure about chemtrails and lizards an all that but hatred is planted and watered under direct sunlight by press and politicians. Newspapers bombarding you with baby killers, dole dossers, the lost generation. Yeah, who’s chilling in the Operation Yewtree treehouse next? Please don’t say Philip Schofield was using Gordon The Gopher as bait…my whole childhood is already dirt.

When you look behind the catastrophic actions and decisions made on our behalf for the ‘greater good’ its quick to realise they are bullshit. Quick, sweep the undesirables under the carpet! Messy shit is always ‘religion’ – not the fact that honest people are unemployed and hungry whilst the rutting freaks in control fail at their job but still make the home run for that weighty pay packet. Most of us get sacked when we don’t meet targets. Later ya pricks. We can run this one ourself. ESQUEEZY [post_title] => THE FREAKY A-Z OF MODERN LIFE: CONSPIRACY [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => the-freaky-a-z-conspiracy [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2013-05-25 18:47:55 [post_modified_gmt] => 2013-05-25 18:47:55 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => http://www.dontwatchthat.tv/?p=43353 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw ) WP_Post Object ( [ID] => 43196 [post_author] => 11 [post_date] => 2013-05-17 21:27:40 [post_date_gmt] => 2013-05-17 21:27:40 [post_content] =>

BAD BITCH

“One big room full of bad bitches” Yeah thanks for that Kreayshawn. What the hell is a bad bitch anyway? Urban Dictionary says:

In an inoffensive nutshell - strong women who make their own money and stand tall against their male counterparts. Undeniably powerful and sexy - but why ‘bad’? And respect? When did we start showing our ‘respect’ for other women by calling them bitches? That makes about as much sense as driving from London to Manchester to buy a Big Mac. When you got it home you realised they forgot the special sauce. Hear me now; I’m not a pro-castration, bra burning, Moon Cup wearing feminist. I applaud the concept, but not the way it’s applied. All these underdeveloped and uninformed kids looking up Rihanna on Instagram thinking ‘bad bitch’ is sitting in a palatial new money paradise smoking a blunt and getting head from the pool cleaner. C’mon now, this isn’t some B Movie called Escape From Compton. Right now a girl is sat eating a burger in East London and applying a thick layer of Mac lipstick. She is a bad bitch and she desperately needs your help. This guy nailed it tbh.

Just look around you yeah...right now we’ve got mobbin’ fraudster Lil Debbie shaking her saggy little tush (2mins51) and even Disney Channel butter-wouldn’t-melt sweetheart Vanessa Hudgens riding the bad bitch wave. Honestly, do you really think a true bad bitch would know about pop art?! Bad bitches at prom, bad bitches with multi-colour ombre hair, bad bitches doing exams, bad bitches wearing peace signs, bad bitches with a whole lot of bullshit coming out of their mouths. What are you like hankering to live on a council estate? Do you call your bougie grandiose detached house in Canonbury ‘the ends’? Yeah lacrosse games at boarding school were so tough. That's why you SO bad. Damn it’s hard to tell the real jail kitties from daddy’s little coked up princess these days. its like Swizzy said, who’s real, who’s not? Who’s really bad?

Oh and then there's ratchet...ain't nobody got time for that. AMEN. ESQUEEZY [post_title] => THE FREAKY A-Z OF MODERN LIFE: BAD BITCH [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => bad-bitch [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2013-05-17 21:33:39 [post_modified_gmt] => 2013-05-17 21:33:39 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => http://www.dontwatchthat.tv/?p=43196 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw ) WP_Post Object ( [ID] => 43005 [post_author] => 11 [post_date] => 2013-05-10 14:30:00 [post_date_gmt] => 2013-05-10 14:30:00 [post_content] =>

ANDROGYNY

So I guess those gender boundaries got blurred huh? As the Stussy female range lands in Topshop and ASOS, girls who love ‘streetwear and sneakers’ will tell you straight up - it’s their playground now.

Oh god look at this 'real' model with lank surfer boy hair who usually does proper high end shit wearing a weird denim tracksuit and an elongated beanie. Didn’t you hear? It’s Streetwear Couture baby and its SO now. “I styled the shoot, picked the clothes yeah, put in on tumblr, all my handiwork. Didn’t need a make-up artist obvs”. In reality it’s like me seeing a girl from Burnley slumped over a toilet in Kavos and triumphantly saying I STYLED IT. But at least it would be realistic. If you don’t get me then just take a look at tumblr. There's a claggy army of androgyny riddled girls with guns on tumblr. Its pretty much all that’s on there, as well as the people manically sharing it all; a bunch of desperate ‘creatives’ who think real life is working from a hot tub on top of the Trump Building eating chicken wings and designing Nike iDs online.

Actually a fully grown 25 year old woman This years 'it' girls either look like malnourished lads down at the funfair in 1997 or some futuristic Slick Rick in a chambray shirt sans eye patch, but they’d be up for wearing one if it made them stand out more. You even get those Bizarre front page model type girls with plumped up pig-fat lips and face tats strapping their bouncy things down to play the teenage boy game. It actually makes me glad to be out of the dating game. How does it work now? Here’s my guess: You’ve caught his roaming eye across the bowling alley/bar/bubble tea shop and the chat-up lines are firmly in place. He gets you a drink, tells you his ‘story’ and it all sounds pretty interesting. He likes the same music as you, has a good grasp on your strange ‘humour’ and looks semi presentable so you go in for the kill and take this newfound love of your life home. A spicy Pot Noodle later and things hot up. You ignore some slight warning signs and even see the positive in them. Super smooth kisses? Obviously looks after himself duh. No stubble? Got me a toy boy…yehhhh. Time for a grab…but oh…you abruptly realise there’s no frankfurter to go in your bun. YEP. You have matching genitals.

These hetero gender mystique frontin’ heauxs are just no good. Plus they always want to tell you that they ‘dressed like this forever’ but girl I just did a quick rewind to 2008 via your Facebook profile photo portal and yeah, you were wearing big baby floral rompers from Primark just like everybody else. Plus Liberty AM1s with disco pants? #chicksinkicks innit.

I do feel like a dick for my rant. I've been mistaken for a boy before, which is strange seeing as I have a fringe and hips thick like a family sandwich loaf. But seriously now, wearing some leopard print trainers and getting permanent hearts/skulls/tears drawn on your face? Really? To be frank, the boys are just as bad. You’re more likely to see them wearing pink these days. Different ballpark tho. NB: this is all just a massive pitch for my new business venture; Girls In Hats trading cards – collect them all! Peace, love and harmony. ESQUEEZY [post_title] => THE FREAKY A-Z OF MODERN LIFE: ANDROGYNY [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => freakyandrogyny [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2013-05-11 07:42:59 [post_modified_gmt] => 2013-05-11 07:42:59 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => http://www.dontwatchthat.tv/?p=43005 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw ) WP_Post Object ( [ID] => 42916 [post_author] => 11 [post_date] => 2013-05-03 13:04:15 [post_date_gmt] => 2013-05-03 13:04:15 [post_content] =>

Whether you’re an Andro Air Max’ed weirdo with lanky locks tucked under a beanie in 20°c + heat or that poor kid at school with the immigrant fringe (aka ‘The Russian Fringe’ in my schooldays) – hair is important.

I struggle with hairstyle. I always stand outside the hairdresser shop feeling incredibly awkward. Anything could happen. You walk in and immediately get pounced by some saccharine sweet crazy blonde called Chanelle who gives you a coffee and REALLY wants to know what you’re doing later…couple snips of the scissors later and you’re lying in the ball on the pavement outside with a ginger Toni & Guy mullet and wondering what the hell happened.

Here's a couple of people who shared the experience:

Hey world, give this guy a break. Supreme et al spectacularly messed the whole fitted/snapback/5 panel hat game up and prices soared. He just used what the big boss calls ‘initiative’ and when he runs up the Tube escalators his hat stays right on his head. Who's laughing now?

Don’t know why you’re looking so happy kid. That ain’t London Bridge, Manhattan Bridge or any bridge. It’s a depressing mess that’s a disappointment to architecture, design, art, hairstyling and the rest.

Not really a style, just negligence. A mirror into the world of a man who just got caught down at the petrol station blowing air up his ass whilst drinking a chocolate Frijj milkshake.

I’m just gonna say one thing – koRn.

Hope you’re pleased with yourself.

Too many puns. Too many clever things to say. Won't say anything at all except stop being an attention seeking blogworthy heaux. People with tomato heads do not get promotions and when they go to get a tooth removed the dentist accidentally gives them too much gas because it is just THAT annoying.

Lets be honest now. Half of us might as well just be done with it and wear a shower cap all day.

References

Ke$ha - didn’t really have weird hair ...she was just weird all over

Rihanna – the red hair pandemic circa 2011-12

Lady Gaga - general swine worshipper

Coolio and he’s in jail now so go Figaro.

Jessie J – Romanian fringe

[post_title] => FREAKY FRIDAY - BAD HAIR DAY [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => freaky-friday-bad-hair-day [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2013-05-03 13:06:16 [post_modified_gmt] => 2013-05-03 13:06:16 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => http://www.dontwatchthat.tv/?p=42916 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw ) WP_Post Object ( [ID] => 42650 [post_author] => 11 [post_date] => 2013-04-26 11:42:34 [post_date_gmt] => 2013-04-26 11:42:34 [post_content] =>

aka THE DAY I WATCHED BODY PARTY

First, foremost and probably most obvious – THAT BODY. You don’t get a body like that when you spend days sat on your fleshy cushioned behind eating chocolate cake and fingering yourself in front of The Jeremy Kyle Show.

As you may know a good body leads to good style. This is the girl who 101% pulled off that low cut demin, scully, boyfriend beater, curb chain look in 'Like A Boy' without looking like a brutal lesbian. Plus she did it six years before you lurky ‘streetwear couture’ heauxs.

Ciara can dance, and she can also do the sex dance. Do I need to tell you more about the Body Party sex dance? I’ll keep quiet because my words just don’t do it justice. Just minimal clothing and tastefully big mammaries. Dancing also keeps that body tight as there's truly nothing worse than feeling like you smuggled a bake sale into the party. Beautiful people like Ci-Ci get invited to fairytale beautiful people parties next to pools with endless liquor. Nobody is sweaty even thought they’re grinding on the floor. People have big bums but they are…like…perfectly big. They never get liver disease either. Oh hell, you’re beautiful for just being there babe…rap game Aphrodite.

Her hair and make-up. Look at it and look at that perfectly shaped slightly cherubic face. She can do that laidback ‘oh yeah I’m just wearing a dark plum lip shade with my hair thrown up like this’ mode and then switch into that bombshell high-end stripper thing that makes you want to seek a few hours of solitary confinement in a cupboard. It’s a good job I didn’t watch the Body Party video at work because I would have being spinning round and round on my chair until they called security and hauled me out. I’m so homosexual for Ciara. I’ll quit cake for Ciara. ESQUEEZY [post_title] => FREAKY FRIDAY: 5 REASONS CIARA MAKES ME WANT TO QUIT CAKE [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => freaky-friday-5-reasons-ciara-makes-me-want-to-quit-cake [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2013-04-26 12:47:30 [post_modified_gmt] => 2013-04-26 12:47:30 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => http://www.dontwatchthat.tv/?p=42650 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw ) WP_Post Object ( [ID] => 42572 [post_author] => 11 [post_date] => 2013-04-19 08:35:24 [post_date_gmt] => 2013-04-19 08:35:24 [post_content] => OR HOW TO LOSE YOUR SHIT IN THE MOST UNDIGNIFIED WAY POSSIBLE WHILST THE WORLD IS WATCHING Bless, its been a tough old few months for my muse Amanda Bynes. She upped sticks from Hollywood to New York City and everything went to shit.

Soooo tumblr stripper babe

Its almost that crazy I can't write about it, because it just feels like I'm stuck inside my own imagination and somebody just put me on a 60° spin with a bunch of neon duvets covered in lip liner and matted hat extensions.

'I'm Sucking On A Sour Patch Kid Listening To Music Getting Ready For Tonight :D.'

THE ANTICS - She turned up to an adult gymnastics class and sources say she was wearing 'fishnets and a leotard that looked like lingerie...Amanda just walked out on the mat, was spinning around in circles and mumbling to herself'. - It all started with the driving charges, like it always does. Driving after booze pipes, driving and keffing of weed, driving on the wrong side of the road with a stripper in the back etc etc. - Actual tweet: 'I want @Drake to murder my vagina.' - She walked out of a cubicle and into the main reception of NYC tanning salon 'Beach Bum' completely naked...if in doubt, don't read the signs babe.

Smoking questionable cigarettes

- She spent two hours in the Little Cupcake Bake Shop toilets. Just chillin right, eating cakes. - She got her cheeks pierced. So Hollywood yeah? So fashionable. - She's shaved her head due to 'hair damage'. Britney's constantly on speed dial. - She's fallen out with her parents. Macaulay!!!

Life sucks y'all

I always remember an expression from Vice Magazine 'Do's & Don'ts' and it is so fitting for her behaviour...'tobogganing down moonbeams'. Always wondered what that would feel like. Probably that hyper real feeling you get after 5 shots of tequila, a doobie and some homemade acid bought from a Hells Angel drinking Mojitos in a bougie city bar. Hang on... I know this isn't a classy subject, but its Friday and its Freaky and its me so what else did you expect? On a level though, its LiLo 2.0 and I'm not encouraging this madness. Real humans used as a vehicle for humiliation and entertainment? (Looks away disapprovingly) On to the next one... [post_title] => FREAKY FRIDAY: AMANDA BYNES [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => freaky-friday-amanda-bynes-2 [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2013-05-02 14:58:03 [post_modified_gmt] => 2013-05-02 14:58:03 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => http://www.dontwatchthat.tv/?p=42572 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw ) WP_Post Object ( [ID] => 42453 [post_author] => 11 [post_date] => 2013-04-15 20:20:38 [post_date_gmt] => 2013-04-15 20:20:38 [post_content] =>

rihanna-terry-richardson-behind-the-scenes-3

Maggie Thatcher - power dresser? No. Holding a clutch bag and trying to show the world you don't have a dick by wearing a skirt and frilly shirt with your suit jacket is not powerful. Lets put this into perspective and translate in 2k13 lingo. If you grew up with a constant burning desire to smoke café crème roll up blunts and don a leather trouser suit with your Nefertiti side boob tattoo hanging out then I can tell you and your wardrobe NOW – this is the first day of the rest of your REAL fucked up power dressing life.

CRISP WHITE SHIRT Better invest in a decent white shirt that looks like its been touched by the hand of God every morning. Plus, regardless of sexuality – come home with a bright red lipstick mark on the collar every single night. Powerful women attract a ton of pussy. Capitalize.

LEATHER Leather…and whilst you’re at it bring out the metaphorical whips and chains. Adopt a gaze that gives an automatic fifty lashes on the back to whoever crosses your path. Remember - if deadlines are going to be met in your mythological powerful world, you have to look and act like Beezlebubs’ wife on the regular. Even Kanye wears a leather skirt these days. Boot-cut polyester trousers just don’t cut it anymore.

ATTITUDE Power Dressing is a way of life so expect an overhaul. Spray that eau ‘don’t fuck with me’ toilette on heavy and apply on your war paint (aka MAC Foundation). You best re-hash that CV as well, ditching the lowly ‘administration assistant’ and ‘PA to Evil Homewrecker’ roles. You are the Chief Bitch and Full Time Awfulizer around here now.

UNDERWEAR Buy a shit ton of underwear kinky enough to make the sex dungeon master blush and feel uncomfortable. Sell your shitty used stuff on eBay - an online hotspot for sexual depravity and knicker sniffers.

INSPIRATION She’s a bat shit crazy bitch and Illuminati Princess whose probably let quite a few guys see her ‘biscuit’ but Rihanna places high in the Power Dressing stakes. She makes a million dollars from just breathing so it’s ok for her to post bible quotes and put on her favorite Chanel suit to roll around in the mud. That shit don’t matter, there’s always a minion to totter off to the store around the corner and press a few digits in. Voila! Rihanna is dripping in diamonds and strategic side boob. [post_title] => POWER DRESSING 101 [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => open [ping_status] => open [post_password] => [post_name] => power-dressing-101 [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2013-04-15 20:20:38 [post_modified_gmt] => 2013-04-15 20:20:38 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => http://www.dontwatchthat.tv/?p=42453 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw ) WP_Post Object ( [ID] => 41564 [post_author] => 11 [post_date] => 2013-03-28 20:41:50 [post_date_gmt] => 2013-03-28 19:41:50 [post_content] =>

I'm not going to chat shit like most other music 'journos' because quite frankly they make their trade flaccid. All you need to know is Kelela has laid some serious vocals over Kingdom's 'Bank Head' aka my personal favourite from the recent Night Slugs Allstars Volume 2 compilation. I've been listening to it manically after it appeared late into the recent FADEMIX003 mix by Bok Bok. Ears were totally tweaking the first time I heard it being mixed in - damn not been this excited for a vocal since Prancehall got Jammer to lay a freestyle down over Britney Spears's 'Toxic'. Thats saying something. The track will feature on Kingdom's upcoming Vertical XL EP out May 28th on Fade to Mind. 01. Bank Head (featuring Kelela) 02. Zip Line 03. Corpse 04. Viper Lash 05. OG Master 06. Takedown Notice 07. Viper XL Fan-boy over and out. FADE TO MIND KINGDOM KELELA NIGHT SLUGS [post_title] => KINGDOM - BANK HEAD FEAT KELELA [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => closed [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => kingdom-bank-head-feat-kelela [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2013-05-14 07:56:22 [post_modified_gmt] => 2013-05-14 07:56:22 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => http://www.dontwatchthat.tv/?p=41564 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw ) WP_Post Object ( [ID] => 41551 [post_author] => 11 [post_date] => 2013-03-27 21:53:31 [post_date_gmt] => 2013-03-27 20:53:31 [post_content] => Seriously feeling the latest release from Drums of Death which is the final in his house and techno oozing 'Waves Odyssey' series. The music video got me tripping some crazy geometric balls - big love to the black and white man. Buy now via Bandcamp. [post_title] => DRUMS OF DEATH - THIS NIGHT [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => closed [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => drums-of-death-this-night [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2013-04-30 17:25:14 [post_modified_gmt] => 2013-04-30 17:25:14 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => http://www.dontwatchthat.tv/?p=41551 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw ) WP_Post Object ( [ID] => 41455 [post_author] => 11 [post_date] => 2013-03-13 11:29:55 [post_date_gmt] => 2013-03-13 10:29:55 [post_content] =>

Bok Bok gets all boss sandwiched between sistah labels NIGHT SLUGS & FADE TO MIND for FADEMIX003. Nobody is mad. It’s like Purim in the Year 2095, dressing up on hoverboards and chasing flying bottles of Patron that talk to you. Artwork is boss as well – rap game Sim City 2000. Got me happy like a lifetime supply of chicken frankfurters, no bun. FADEMIX003 - TRACKLISTING 01 - (unknown) - (unknown) [Night Slugs Club Constructions] 02 - DIVOLI S'VERE - What I Want Ha (Ckunt Diet Remix Instrumental) [Qween Beat] 03 - BOK & TRAGO - Work This Pussy [Night Voyage] 04 - JAM CITY - (unknown) [Night Slugs Club Constructions] 05 - DIVOLI S'VERE - Giddy Up Ha [Qween Beat] 06 - L-VIS 1990 - Ballad 4D VIP [Night Slugs] 07 - RUSHMORE - Couture [Trax Couture] 08 - DJ SLIINK - Follow The Leader 09 - BOK & TRAGO - Hole Driller [Night Voyage] 10 - DJ SLIINK & MIKEQ - Werk'd It [Fade To Mind] 11 - KOWTON - F U All The Time bootleg 12 - JEREMIH / JOE / WILEY - (AKITO bootleg) 13 - JAM CITY - How We Relate To The Body (HELIX bootleg) [Night Slugs] 14 - JACQUES GASPARD BIBERKOPF - For The Women 15 - IKONIKA - Backhand Winners [Hyperdub] 16 - DAT Oven - Icy Lake (L-VIS 1990 Refix 1) [Night Slugs / Fade To Mind] 17 - BOK BOK - MJT (LOL GURLZ Black Nail Polish bootleg) [Night Slugs] 18 - KINGDOM ft KELELA - Bank Head [Fade To Mind] 19 - JAM CITY - Love Is Real (MOKONA bootleg) [Night Slugs] 20 - 151 FEVA GANG - Shaking My Dreads [post_title] => FADEMIX003: BOK BOK [post_excerpt] => [post_status] => publish [comment_status] => closed [ping_status] => closed [post_password] => [post_name] => fademix003bokbok [to_ping] => [pinged] => [post_modified] => 2013-04-30 17:38:18 [post_modified_gmt] => 2013-04-30 17:38:18 [post_content_filtered] => [post_parent] => 0 [guid] => http://www.dontwatchthat.tv/?p=41455 [menu_order] => 0 [post_type] => post [post_mime_type] => [comment_count] => 0 [filter] => raw )