DJ NEEKO PRESENTS ''YARD VYBZ'' VOL.1 (BEST OF 2010 - 12 CULTURE) by Deejay Neeko on Mixcloud

Download Yard Vybz Volume 1 here. Download Dancehall Stick Up Volume 3 here. Follow Neeko on Twitter here. All my Northern crew catch DJ Neeko playing this Friday 28th September for Dancehall Affair at SugarSuite Birmingham and next Friday, 5th October at Camel Club in Liverpool.

Good luck and let me know which one you choose. I have big plans to make out with a sick person tonight so hopefully I'll look like this by the end of the week...

Oh wait, I already do look like this so I can just carry on living my life really.

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

Being ill mostly means that I smell like stale vomit and olbas oil, my hair looks like I’ve been having wild sex when unfortunately I haven’t, and the amount of tissues in my bed, will probably amount to more than those in the bed of a horny teenage boy, but it’s not all bad. Here’s my list of the 10 best things that colds and flu will bring to your daily life:

1. You don’t eat anything - I’ve never even contemplated an eating disorder in my lifelong plight to look like a supermodel, but I spent Tuesday night vomiting and haven’t eaten since so in my mind I’m practically Kate Moss.
2. You don’t have to wear any make up - The great thing about fevers is that they give your face a healthy gloss of sweat and if you’re really lucky, you might get puffy eyes and swollen glands to accentuate your features too - who needs MAC when you’ve got Flu?
3. You can dispel myths and common misconceptions on your mission to good health - I hate to break it to you guys but the ‘C’ in Vitamin C stands for ‘CRAP’. Drinking orange juice will not help you, so you may as well stick to drinking Vodka because as well as being a tasty and nourishing refreshment, it also numbs the bitterness of singledom. You will also discover that sneezing with your eyes open does not make your eyeballs fall out.
4. You don’t have to leave your house - This means that you won’t go into all of your local 98p stores (which by the way do not actually sell ANYTHING that costs 98p) and waste your money on home-ware that you won’t use (when the hell am I EVER gonna need a gravy boat tbh?)
5. You don’t have to wear a bra - This is one of my favourite things about being ill because frankly I like my wangers to be free.
6. You don’t have to wear any clothes - Because in all honesty, why stop at the bra?
7. You get to watch back to back films with the ‘Jennifers’ in them - The only time it’s acceptable to enjoy Jennifer Lopez acting like a poor NYC Latina AGAIN and Jennifer Aniston just being Rachel from Friends in a different setting AGAIN, is when you’re ill. (Unless you’re me because I love that shit even when I don’t have a fever above 40 degrees)
8. You don’t have to do any work or go to the office - Instead you can spend your days feeling sorry for yourself…bliss.
9. You get to take loads of medication aka “legal drugs” - and if you’re lucky you might even trip out for a bit.
10. Finally you can order everyone around you about - Perhaps the best thing of all. Being fussed over and having someone deliver everything you demand to your bed, without the obligation of giving them a blow job in return is relieving.

So there you have it folks. Next time you can feel a fever coming on, just think of these 10 things and be thankful it’s just a fever and not something worse like that thing where you bang your head and all of a sudden you’re talking in a Chinese accent.

(via my personal blog - www.loukiac.tumblr.com)

Earlier this week I went for a quiet drink (or five) with a friend, to a bar on Brick Lane (which incidentally should change it’s name to The Only Way is Essex Lane). As we sat there talking about how amazing we  are, we were surrounded by city bankers and office workers, getting completely shit-faced on their Christmas work parties. Most of them looked inbred and sounded like they were from Essex, others were “blates posh”, trying desperately to sound less cunty and more “cool” – it was TRAGIC. As I watched the weird drinking games take place, the awkward flirtation between colleagues, not to mention a man being sick on his laptop bag, I thanked God and Jah that I am not part of an organisation that forces me to make festive small talk with aliens like these. It got me thinking that however financially crippling being a freelancer is, the idea of being a permanent office employee is scarier than Paranormal Activity. But of course for many of my friends and family this is not a prospect, it’s a reality, so for them and for you, I put together these tips to ensure your survival at these festive fuckeries. 1)    DON’T SHAG YOUR BOSS – I’m putting this one out there first because no matter how rich or sexy your boss is, and no matter how horny you are, you DO NOT blow the dick that feeds you. I’m obviously NOT talking from experience here, but hooking up with your boss will only ever end in tears. 2)    EAT BEFORE YOU GO – Who the hell wants to eat a dried up roast dinner that was probably cooked weeks ago for all the Christmas parties in the land, frozen and then reheated? Fuck that. Eat before you go and when you get there just drink and eat the mince pies at the end because mince pies are nice really. 3)    FUCK SECRET SANTA – Who’s big idea was secret fucking Santa anyway? Buying a present for someone you probably don’t like, is not the best way to spend your not so hard earned money is it? Particularly if you’re stuck with buying a gift for one of the IT technicians. What on earth do you buy a man that probably sits at home wanking over Star Wars and java script every day? Something from your local Poundland, that’s what. 4)    WEAR YOUR OWN GARMS - Everyone knows that behind every businessperson’s ugly suit and shoes, there’s a “trendy” dying to come out. This is your chance to show the hoes in HR what you’re really made of. Ladies go for something slutty and tight, and gentlemen draw for your favourite trainers and put some “swagger” in your step. It might make people feel uncomfortable but at least when you finally ditch the losers you work with, your attire wont stop you from getting into a real party. 5)    DRINK A LOT – This is the most important thing for survival really. The prospect of spending time outside of work hours, with work people is only bearable if you’re so sloshed, you forget your own name and that’s that. 6)    DO NOT DRINK A LOT – Contradiction, yes. However sometimes, it can be best to remain the only sober person at the party, that way you can just observe the antics of your colleagues. Hopefully your manager offers you Class A drugs so you can hold it against him next time he tells you off for being 15 minutes late, or spending hours on Facebook. Wanker. 7)    HAVE A DEBATE ABOUT MUSIC – I always imagine that people that work in offices, just listen to Ed Sheeran on repeat all day, because everyone likes Ed Sheeran. Personally I love Ed Sheeran. You can’t hate him because hating Ed Sheeran is the equivalent of hating a newborn puppy. Anyway in this debate, I can guarantee that amongst your work group there will be a former Drum’n’bass pill head, a dubstep fan, a hip hop fan, a blonde PA girl that loves Drake and of course, your secret Santa, the IT technician that wanks over Star Wars, who will be representing for heavy metal bands. What an eclectic bunch. 8)    TRY IT ON WITH AN INTERN – let’s face it, the purpose of interns is to do the shit jobs no one else wants to do, and there is NEVER a permanent position after their 3 month working period, which is why you constantly replace them and pay them for their efforts in false hope. Interns are young, fresh, meat that is there to be exploited…in every way. 9)    AVOID CAMERAS – after being forced to finally accept your colleagues Facebook friend requests (after they stopped offering you cups of tea, because you’re “stuck up”), the LAST thing you want is to be tagged in photos with this ugly bunch of misfits. Stay away from the over keen girl with a camera that is having the time of her life, because chances are she has no friends in real life and she will try to claim you as one. 10)  Finally, and MOST importantly, I’ll say it again – DO NOT SHAG YOUR BOSS. I mean, sure you might give him the best drunken sex of his/her life in the toilets of a Wetherspoon’s, and ladies it could turn into a pay rise if you play your pussy right (men are such mugs), but ultimately you’ll end up fired. Or even WORSE he might “fall in love with you” and suggest leaving his dry old wife to be with you, and let’s be honest, it’s a monetary agreement. Nobody wants to be their bosses wifey for life. And that’s it. Your 10 tips to make Work Christmas Party Hell less bullshit. Lucky for me I’m a freelancer so I don’t get invited to Christmas parties. But one day maybe I will love money enough to let the corporate world suck me in, in which case I’ll have to bear all of this in mind too. Enjoy your work parties guyz. You can thank me another time. (via my personal blog www.loukic.tumblr.com)

BIG UP AKIN AND ABUK FOR BEING EARLY ON THIS ONE...BUT I ONLY LEARNED ABOUT THIS MUSICAL TREASURE YESTERDAY... Yesterday evening, the lovely people at Warner Records invited me and some other press to dinner, and then to see a musical showcase. That musical showcase was at the Servant Jazz Quarters in Dalston, and came in the form of Lianne La Havas - a girl, her guitar and her voice. Nothing more, nothing less. She performed an intimate gig, warming up for her appearance on Jools Holland tonight and she literally blew everyone away. "I'm just overcoming a cold" she told us, but hearing her voice, you would think that she's never had a cold in her life. Hitting every single note precisely, effortlessly and with ease, she took her voice (and us along with it), to sonic perfection. Everything about Lianne is mesmerising but of course the most prominent thing about her, is her immeasurable talent. There is nothing more exposing than being on stage with just your voice and a blues guitar, because there are no gimmicks to hide behind or take refuge in. This for me was and is the beauty of Lianne - everything about her performance was natural and genuine. She sang a handful of songs, each one better than the next and by the end of the show, I think we were all a little bit in love - with Lianne, with music and maybe with each other. My own favourites were a beautiful song she recently wrote (and played live for the first time last night) called 'Oh Cinema' and a song called 'Age' - a classic tale of being in love with an older man. She also performed her new single which features Willy Mason, 'No Room For Doubt'.

At the end of the show, I was rendered speechless for the first time in a long while. For me that is the mark of excellence - nothing I say will do justice to Lianne's brilliance. And if you ever get to see her live, you will know exactly what I'm talking about...or more appropriately, what I'm not talking about. I just want to take this moment to thank Lianne for reminding me that there are still people out there doing music because music is in their blood and because they actually have a talent. In this world of manufactured pop music, where people's careers are based on their looks, their controversies, their outrageous outfits and everything but their talent - it was refreshing to listen to actual music - pure, unadulterated and true. Catch Lianne live on Jools Holland, BBC2, 10pm, TONIGHT. For more information on Lianne visit: www.liannelahavas.com