ORIGINALLY POSTED VIA 18/4/2013 written by Amelia Dimoldenberg
My mother was incredibly excited when I told her I was going on a date to Chicken Cottage with Lethal Bizzle, partly because she wants me to get a boyfriend and partly because she has just discovered the word Dench. I was also excited for this date as I’ve always been a fan of Lethal B’s music – ‘Pow’ was the anthem of my youth growing up in Marylebone. When I arrived at Chicken Cottage I knew immediately that this date was going to be better than any other dates to Chicken Cottage I’d been on, and you know why? Because this Chicken Cottage had booth seating.
Hello, I’m Amelia nice to meet you – what do you do?
Um I’m a few things, I’m a rapper and business man – they’re the main two, I’ve got a clothing business called Stay Dench.
Yes I can see you are wearing a lot of it now.
Yeah I am.
Everything Lethal Bizzle was wearing had the word Dench on it, everything.
What part of London are you from?
I’m from east London, Walthamstow.
Have you ever been on a date to a chicken shop before?
Nah I haven’t you know, this is the first date I’ve ever been on to a chicken shop.
I wish I could say the same. Where was the first place you ever took a girl on a date?
I went to the cinema with my girlfriend at school for her birthday.
Are you still together?
When my friends at school went on dates to the cinema their parents went with them.
Oh really? That’s a bit leave it.
How many times do you think you say leave it a day?
That’s a good question, I couldn’t tell you. It depends how leave it the day is, if it’s a very leave it day then it could be 100 plus. If it’s a Dench day then maybe 10 or 15.
What classifies a leave it day?
When everything is going wrong, like today started off a bit leave it – if there’s traffic on the road that’s a bit leave it.
Are you not going to get any food?
Nah I’m alright thanks.
This is now the third time that I’ve been the only one who actually eats on the date. I’m now beginning to wonder if people reading this might think I have a strange fetish for rappers with eating disorders.
Do you think a chicken shop is a good place to go on a date?
It depends who you go with, a fun girl would appreciate it and think okay this guy’s cool, he’s a regular guy.
How many chicken nuggets could you eat in 15 minutes?
Ah I love chicken nuggets man, I could probably do 100.
There is no way you could eat 100 chicken nuggets in 15 minutes.
I reckon I could.
Do you think the club is a good place to meet girls?
Yes and no, at first I didn’t but that’s where I met my girl so…
Yeah I met my girlfriend at a club.
What? You have a girlfriend?
Did you tell her you were going on a date with me to Chicken Cottage?
Nah I haven’t yet.
What’s your type?
I like a big booty, but that’s probably obvious, breasts I don’t mind, they don’t have to be huge.
But personality is definitely important; you know I can’t be with you if you’re a dickhead. Like you might have an amazing body but if you’re a prick then nah leave it.
Yeah or if you’re not Dench.
Yeah if you’re not Dench it’s gonna be a very leave it time.
If you had to be part of a chicken what would it be.
I’d be the breast because breasts are one of my favourite parts of a lady and one of my favourite parts of chicken. Yeah I think people would really enjoy me as the breast of a chicken. There are no bones; it’s just very succulent and soft and…
Okay stop, I’m imagining you as a chicken breast and it’s creeping me out.
Dench is getting a bit old now; do you have any new words?
What! You think Dench is old? THAT’S SO RUDE!
Sorry. I hear that you are launching a female line of your Dench clothing – can I have some free stuff?
You think it’s old, so no – you can pay.
What about branching out into online dating, Dench Dating?
That might de value the brand. The Dench brand is on a very high pedestal and I don’t think I want Dench to be associated with online dating.
That’s a shame. If Judi Dench asked you out what would you say?
Where would you take her?
I’d take her Nando’s.
Who else would you like to take on a date to Nando’s? What about Tulisa?
Nah that’s a bit leave it, actually that’s a very leave it situation.
When was the last time you cried?
When I crashed my car, my Audi R8 – I crashed into the back of some woman’s car. It was her fault though! She just stopped in the middle of the road! Then I had to ride around in a shitty £100 Focus.
Yeah but it’s fine I’m driving a convertible R8, I’m looking to sell it actually –you can have it if you want.
Yeah I’m getting a new car.
Can you rate this date out of 10?
This is been a good date you know, you seem pretty laid back. I’d probably take you on another date, if this first date was real.
This date is real.
Check out Lethal Bizzle’s forthcoming single They Got It Wrong Ft. Wiley