Metro Zu refused to eat because I wouldn’t pay.


Hello, who are you?

That’s an awkward question. I’m Lofty305 aka The Virgin Boss

You have multiple names?

I make up new names every day.

Where are you from?

M I, M I, M I, A



Why are you here?

I don’t fucking know.


The voice to my left then whispered, “to impregnate the aliens”. Apparently he was also in Metro Zu.


Yo, where even are we?

In a chicken shop. Where does the name Metro Zu come from?

There’s a zoo in Miami and it used to be called Metro Zoo, we stole their name.


Suddenly an annoying beeping noise filled the chicken shop.


Can you hear that? I think it’s my phone.

I don’t think it is.

It’s my phone.

No, it’s the timer for the fried chicken.



For reasons that I won’t go into, there are no photos from my date with Metro Zu. However my friend Nellie recreated what the photos would  have looked like using Photoshop. 

What kind of music do you make?

Weird shit. Right now I’m making mad shit for the hoes.

 Sounds great. What do you like rapping about?

Sex and weed and white girls.


All my inspiration comes from girls. When I don’t have any girls to fuck I’ll make a song instead.


The voice to my left began to whisper again, “Instead of masturbating we just make a song”.


You have an album out right now called Mink Rug, do you own a Mink Rug?

Hell yeah.

 I didn’t believe them.

We actually have a farm where they get made.

 Okay lets move on to my favourite song of yours ‘Sell Ma Ho’, what’s that about?!

It’s a metaphor.

So you don’t actually sell hoes?


Well it has a very confusing title.

It’s about selling your other bitch. Like you would sell all your hoes to fuck with the bitch you love, you get me?

No. How many hoes have you sold in your life?

I’ve sold all of the hoes in my life, all of them and none of them.


Okay, that didn’t really answer the question.

You’ve started making music with Spaceghostpurpp, where did you guys meet?

In my room.

 Convenient. Do you find it easier to make music in London or Maimi?

In London, cause in Miami I have too many hoes.

Yeah it is annoying when you have too many hoes.

Like in Miami there is always some other shit to do like skate.

Do girls that you like, like your music?

Yeah cause they figure all of it’s about them.

What kind of girls do you like?

All of them. If I could describe my type of girl, you would fit within there. I would do some things, you feel me?


Do you like cats?


No, they’re annoying.

The girl I’m with right now acts like a cat.


Lofty305 aka The Virgin Boss then began to hiss at me.


If I were a rapper, what would my rapper name be?

Miss Lofty305, cause if you were a rapper I would just marry you and we’d make mad albums together.

Thank you, this has been a great date.

Omg, do I cum now?


Here is a link to one of Metro Zu’s tracks and their Tumblr.